Thinking
by the-lady-luka
Summary: A peak into some Daria characters random thoughts
1. Jane Thinking

And you've left me here again. And you know what happens when I'm alone.  
  
I start thinking.  
  
And when I start thinking, I usually end up more confused then before.  
  
You were always the thinker.  
  
Oh, not that I'm stupid. I'm not, and I know it. But my mind is a giant Gordian knot. I need someone else around to talk to, to bounce ideas off of, to help me understand what I mean. Preferably you. You've always understood me more than I have.  
  
Since you're not here, since you're out with MY boyfri-  
  
  
  
Now you see? That's what happens to me. I'm really and truly not mad. But every bitter, confused thought I've ever had about you two piles together without an outlet. And then I just get mad for no reason. I don't like being mad at you.  
  
So, I paint. Almost all of the art I've done when I get like this I end up throwing away.  
  
  
  
I've wasted many, many bottles of red paint on that kind of art.  
  
  
  
Some of them, though, I keep in the hidden corners of the attic. So that I will still know what I felt.  
  
Not like I know now, that is.  
  
But I think this piece will stay in the attic. It's a picture of you and him.  
  
  
  
No, the OTHER him. The br-other.  
  
I know, I know. I've heard you whine about it before.  
  
"He's too flaky. He's inconsistent. Can't hold down a job. Blah, blah, blah."  
  
That's the way I am, too. Do you hate ME for it?  
  
"I don't hate him. I just don't think we'd work. He's too old for me." Yadda, yadda.  
  
Only by a few years. We could have been sisters. Not that YOU care.  
  
"What do we need some fancy legal paperwork for? We're friends. I'm not gonna marry your brother just to prove that we're friends."  
  
  
  
IT WASN'T FOR ME. It was for you. I think you'll realize it someday. I think you know that Mr. Wandering Eye is no good.  
  
Marrying some secure, stable, finacially sound, stick-in-the-mud isn't going to make you happy and you know it.  
  
  
  
One day, he'll find someone else, and you'll probably come here crying.  
  
  
  
And you know what? I'll hide. I'll let you come to the door, and I'll let him answer.   
  
  
  
You'll ask for me, and I'll make sure he really thinks I'm gone. He'll tell you that.  
  
You'll try to leave, but he'll stop you.  
  
  
  
He always does, and you always let him.  
  
He'll know somethings wrong. He can read you like that. It bothers you to some degree, but you really like that you don't have to say anything.  
  
The same is true vice-versa, if you'd admit it to yourself.  
  
  
  
I'll just let you spend some time alone. He'll comfort you, and you'll get over it.  
  
And then, maybe you'll realize that my brother IS what you want. You WANT to live day to day. You want to be creative. You don't want rules, fancy clothes, or formal gatherings.  
  
  
  
That was what your sister wanted.  
  
  
  
I know you. You think I'm "playing matchmaker", but I am trying to make you happy.  
  
You wanna know why I haven't had a decent relationship since you got here? Because I've spent so much time trying to make your's good.  
  
And YOU keep screwing it up!  
  
  
  
I'm putting you ahead of me, and you can't see it.  
  
  
  
You only took him because he wanted you and you wanted to convince yourself you wanted anyone but my brother.  
  
No, that's not why I'm mad. I figured him out a long time ago. I didn't know at first, but after I did, I started blowing his money, just because I could. He used me, so I used him. All's fair, they say.  
  
  
  
I'm mad because you won't believe I'm right.  
  
I am.  
  
  
  
Sorry. You see? That's what happens when you let me think.  
  
  
  
But, you will never see this picture until you admit what you want.  
  
I'll give it to you when it becomes reality.  
  
  
  
No, it's not tuxes and fluffly white dresses. Though I'm sure when that happens, you'll make sure the bridesmaids wear pink.  
  
  
  
It's a kiss, sweet and simple. And I will sacrifice my happiness until I see it happen.  
  
Aren't you glad to have a friend like me?  
  
  
  
I think I think too much. 


	2. Daria Thinking

Well, I'm in my padded room, staring at the ceiling. Again.  
  
I'm starting to wonder what my life will be like in college. But that's not most important.  
  
I've finally realized that Tom really wasn't gonna work out for me. I mean, what can you really expect from your first try? All you can get is lessons.  
  
I think I've learned all he had to teach me. But it doesn't feel like enough.  
  
I bet you're happy though, Jane. You didn't want to see us apart, and me upset. But you didn't want to see us together, and me happy, either. Well, that's okay, because I don't think I was ever really happy.  
  
I think that, If I started another relationship, I would know what I was doing this time.  
  
Wait, what? Another relationship? And with whom, may I ask me?  
  
(We know.)  
  
Oh, no. Not him. I've been over this. He's not the one for me.  
  
He's too old. (Only a couple years)  
  
He doesn't like ME. (Then why does he stare at you like he does)  
  
I couldn't tell him. (What happened to all this newfound courage?)  
  
It wouldn't work. (Would it hurt to give it a shot?)  
  
YES! Because I love him too much.  
  
....................  
  
You did NOT just think that.  
  
(Oh HO, I think you did.)  
  
Since when did I have split personalities?  
  
(Ever since you tried to deny what you really felt about him.)  
  
Well, how do I make you go away then? Its very disquieting to talk to yourself.  
  
(I realize that.)  
  
So how do I GET RID OF YOU?  
  
(But that's the thing... I AM you. You can't get rid of me. But if you accepted me, we may be able to stop this strange case of doublethink.)  
  
What do you mean, accept you?  
  
(Accept that you love him. Accept that he loves you back. Go talk to him. Find out for yourself. You won't be sorry you did. He won't be sorry either...)  
  
But what about college? I have to go to Raft, and he'll be staying here. A million miles away, practically.  
  
(You know he has nothing tying him down. The only member of his family that he cares about is moving to Boston too. You might just be enough of a pull to get him down there too...)  
  
You're saying he might move all the way to Boston... to be with me?  
  
(And Jane, but yes, we are. So tell him.)  
  
And how, pray tell, do you propose to go about that?  
  
(Be honest.)  
  
Be honest?  
  
(Tell him you love him, flat out. He knows us, girl, more than you think. He's waiting for you to say it to him. He's been waiting. And denying it... Denying it will keep him waiting. He's a very patient man, you know. A very patient man.)  
  
You think that'll work.  
  
(Yes, we think that'll work. We know that'll work.)  
  
Alright... but if you're wrong, you pay.  
  
(We pay.)  
  
She picked up the phone and dialed automatically. The number was practically programmed into her finger.  
  
"Hey Jane?" she said to the groggy voice that answered. "Can I talk to Trent?" 


End file.
